Swimming in the Pensieve

While still working on Bill’s website stuff, I happened to see this newsfeed hit my inbox:

Microsoft, Inc. Sues SC Johnson — API News
Microsoft on Friday afternoon filed a trademark infringement complaint against Racine, Wisconsin-based SC Johnson & Son, Inc., which has marketed a glass cleaner, under the trademark of Windex®, since 1993.

H. Fisk Johnson, Ph.D., Chief Executive Officer of S. C. Johnson & Son, Inc. since October 2000, was asked for his reaction to the lawsuit; filed by Microsoft in U.S. District Court for the Western District of Washington, claiming that users could be confused by the similarities between the two brand names:

“I hold a BA in Chemistry and Physics; Master’s of Engineering; MS in Physics; MBA in Marketing and Finance; and a Ph.D. in Physics - all from Cornell University. That weiner, Gates, couldn’t even make it through 4 years at Harvard. What a putz! He says that he plans on securing the copyrights on the alphabet, because all 26 letters are part of Microsoft Windows innovative technology. I’m confident that we will prevail at trial.”

Microsoft spokesperson Jon Murchinson was atypically available to speak with us about the action:

“Johnson added Windex® to their product portfolio in 1993–after Microsoft had already stolen…uh…er…innovated Windows; offering it upon the consumer market. We are not asking the court to stop the production of this product. We are simply saying that they shouldn’t use a name that confuses our customers. We would prefer to work with them to resolve this problem voluntarily.What the Hell! We’re a monopoly–the courts say so–so we can do what ever we want to. It, well, you know, it’s our right.”

SC Johnson’s CEO was mystified by the Microsoft claims:

“If [Microsoft is] saying that people will confuse Windex® with Microsoft Windows®, I think there are zero people in the world that would make that mistake,” says Dr. Johnson. “But, if that is indeed the case, no wonder Microsoft Windows® is so ridiculously expensive! They must waste something on the order of the United States GDP on product support for customers like that!”

Murchinson was predictably offended:

“[Johnson] is an intellectual snob who just likes to pick on underdog marketplace innovators. Wait ’till I flame his hiney on GrokLaw! (We will discuss the alphabet infringement case at a later date.)”

There you have it.We believe that this issue–like the SCO case(s)–can be best, and most expeditiously unraveled in the hallowed halls of the United States Judicial System.

May God save our collective sanity, and where is Penfield Jackson when you need him the most?